The part of me that belongs to my voice,
She has been taken, starved and nearly naked, dragged through the woods.
Conquered and beaten,
Now tied to a post with her wrists above her head.
Week and weeping.
They whip her and she cries out.
She screams with my voice,
With her mouth open in anguish toward the skies.
Her eyes are full of bitterness when I meet them,
Her body young and pale.
I ask myself,
"Where are the brutes who did this?"
But we two are alone.
When I look down,
I find the whip in my own hands, and I am trembling.
Dear reader: I am interested to hear about your own issues with your hobbies in the comments. Your love hate relationships with them. Am I the only one whose pursuits can cause nearly as much pain as joy?
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Being Ugly
A few weeks ago there was a video going around called "Real Beauty Sketches" by the Dove Campaign. I'm sure many of you have seen it. (if not you can check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk) Basically they use a forensic artist to render women’s descriptions of themselves compared with the descriptions of others. In the end you see the two renderings. The self-described on the left, the other on the right. The ones on the left were always uglier than the ones on the right. At first, I loved it. It made me feel good. I posted it on facebook. Then I read a blog post called "Why Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” Video Makes Me Uncomfortable… and Kind of Makes Me Angry" It totally changed my mind. (Scroll to the bottom to see the link.) There were two things the blogger said in her article that got me thinking the most.
The first thing she said that caught me was: "there are real women who look like the women on the left. What are you saying about them, exactly?” I had the same inkling of that thought when I first saw the video, but I didn't really think about it. So what if you really are ugly? Face it, we have a cultural standard of beauty, and some people just don’t meet it.
The other big thing the blogger pointed out was a quote from one of the women in the video. The woman said: “I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children, it impacts everything. It couldn't be more critical to your happiness.”
Is our “natural” beauty really that important?? This is something I struggle with. I look at women that don’t seem to need anything but a shower and a comb to look fresh, young, vibrant, and gorgeous. I compare myself to those women and feel less-than. Sure, I can look pretty good with some primping, but I lack “natural beauty.” You may argue that everyone needs a little primping, but the fact remains, when we all wake up the morning, there are some differences. Some of us look cute, and some of us look downright awful.
As a religious person, I have always been taught that the Lord doesn't care what we look like. In 1 Samuel 16:7 the Lord tells Samuel: "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."
If the Lord doesn't care about our outward appearance why do the prophets encourage us to look our best? Paul ask the Corinthians "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?" Our bodies are sacred temples, so we should care for them, but it doesn't matter if our temple is not as “beautiful” as another person’s. It is still a sacred gift and that in itself makes it beautiful.
I also believe that we are encouraged to look our best just because we are encouraged to be our best in general. We all have physical traits we cannot control, but we do our best. We are encouraged to sing our best, but some people just don’t have good vocal chords or good ears for hearing pitch. I'm sure it is very sad for some of them, but they don't look in the mirror every morning and feel terrible because they weren't physically blessed with a beautiful voice. We are encouraged to be physically healthy but some people, like me, are just terrible at sports. I don't look at myself in the mirror every day and sigh that I am just not as coordinated as other people. Why do I look at myself in the mirror and sigh that I am just not as beautiful as a lot of other women?
I think that physical beauty has been too important to me. For example, I am always wanting my husband to tell me I am beautiful. It is not a bad compliment, but is that the only compliment I need to hear? I have realized that although I love it when my husband tells me I am beautiful, my favorite compliment is, "You're so smart." Coming from my genius husband, that means a lot. There are so many quotes to the effect of "tell the woman you love that she is beautiful." But how many quotes do you see that encourage men to compliment women on things other than their looks? It's as if the only thing that matters is that she is beautiful, and if she doesn't feel beautiful, she feels worthless. I am done feeling that way. What defines me is not my physical characteristics, but my experiences, my likes and dislikes, my talents, my joys and sorrows, and the fact that I am a daughter of God. I am more than just a face.
 |
| "Shrimp Girl" by William Hogarth |
I am not a natural beauty. My teeth are so crooked that even shy children ask me about them, my skin is unpredictable and dark under my eyes, my hair is mostly frizzy and dull, my head is shaped kind of funny, and I will never have a classic hourglass figure. But what does it matter? It doesn't.
"Why Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” Video Makes Me Uncomfortable… and Kind of Makes Me Angry"
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me
Also check out this video that seems completely irrelevant at first but turns out to be totally relevant. Its mostly for a laugh though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FVcrkP1X6Y
And these completely relevant links:
http://www.jaimemoorephotography.com/2013/05/09/not-just-a-girl/
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-05-03/news/ct-oped-0503-daum-20130503_1_dove-natural-beauty-friday-night-lights
Who Shall Ascend?
My heart is a broken stone.
I stand in a circle of broken stones.
My children dance on broken stones
and love me still.
The sun sets on a field of fragments,
a landscape cracked and torn.
The early dawn is broken already.
Their skin is like the petals of a flower.
I cannot keep them unmarred.
My soul is petrified. I am unclean.
The skin of my hands, dry with chalk,
and blistered.
I stand in a circle of broken stones.
My children dance on broken stones
and love me still.
The sun sets on a field of fragments,
a landscape cracked and torn.
The early dawn is broken already.
Their skin is like the petals of a flower.
I cannot keep them unmarred.
My soul is petrified. I am unclean.
The skin of my hands, dry with chalk,
and blistered.
Faith and Feminism
I would like to discuss my thoughts on feminist issues in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It is a controversial subject that has become quite prominent among its members as of late. It almost seems over-discussed, though not so much that I am unwilling to throw in my two bits.
First of all, I would like to say that it bothers me when people treat LDS feminism as either an apostate movement or a non-issue. I have seen so many comments on facebook pages or online articles to the effect of: "This is so dumb. The Church isn't sexist." or "Sheesh. Maybe men should petition to be able to breastfeed." I have seen a lot of eye-rolling and head shaking over the issue, mostly from the sisters. Many loving sisters try to explain to feminists that there really isn't any inequality in the Church and that with enough faith and understanding of the doctrine, the "problem" of feminism can be overcome. Though this approach seems much preferable to the extreme negativity of the former, it still lacks understanding.
It is not wrong, nor is it unprecedented for members to petition the leaders of the church for change. These petitions often lead to change. I would like to point out one instance of this pattern that I find particularly applicable. A history is recorded in Numbers, chapter 27, of five sisters who came to Moses with a problem. Their father had died, and because he had no sons, his property was "done away." These five women stood before the leaders of the church and asked:
"Why should the name of our father be done away from among his family, because he hath no son? Give unto us therefore, a possession among the brethren of our father."
Moses then took the matter to the Lord who answered:
"The daughters of Zelophehad speak right: thou shalt surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father's brethren; and thou shalt cause his inheritance to pass unto them."
"And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a man die, and have no son, then ye shall cause his inheritance to pass unto his daughter."
Not only did the Lord grant that these women receive their father's inheritance, he instructed Moses to make a policy change that affected all of Israel.
Many LDS women have petitioned for various changes in the Church. My personal feelings on the specifics are mixed. I do not wish to make them the main subject of this post. However, one thing is for certain; the leaders of the Church do not ignore these petitions.
Recently, many faithful LDS women formed a movement called "Let Women Pray." It was a request to the leadership of the Church to invite women to pray in General Conference. In the most recent Conference, this request was granted, and two women were given the great honor of praying for the Church. So what does it mean that the leaders "gave in" to feminist requests? Does it mean that the General Authorities were wrong all this time about only allowing men to pray in Conference? In that same Conference, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave a talk that addressed this issue. He said:
"Brothers and sisters, this is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don't hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. ...
So be kind regarding human frailty--your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work."*
The Church has made several policy changes throughout the years, big and small. People have left the Church over changes like extending the priesthood to all worthy males, or in the design of the temple garment. How can we know what is doctrine, what is tradition, what can change and what will never change? Again, I believe Elder Holland's talk can help.
"When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your "unbelief." ... Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. ...Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle."*
I believe it is important to try to get the spirit of discernment and to learn all we can. Most importantly, however, when we find ourselves struggling because of imperfections or unexpected changes in the Church, we need to hang on to what we do know. And if others have issues with a practice in the Church, we shouldn't be too hasty to assume they are wrong, because this church is still imperfect, and having a concern isn't the same as lacking faith.
We must find for ourselves what the fundamentals are--the things that will not change. Each son or daughter of God can build his or her testimony of the gospel line upon line, precept upon precept, holding tight to truths gained, and ever seeking for greater conviction about the truths that really matter.
These things I personally know, by the power of the Holy Ghost, to be unchanging: the nature of the Godhead, the importance and divine configuration of the family, the Restoration of the Church, the reality of the Atonement, and the fact that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father who will reward righteousness and our genuine efforts to find truth and be faithful despite our most difficult questions.
.
It is not wrong, nor is it unprecedented for members to petition the leaders of the church for change. These petitions often lead to change. I would like to point out one instance of this pattern that I find particularly applicable. A history is recorded in Numbers, chapter 27, of five sisters who came to Moses with a problem. Their father had died, and because he had no sons, his property was "done away." These five women stood before the leaders of the church and asked:
"Why should the name of our father be done away from among his family, because he hath no son? Give unto us therefore, a possession among the brethren of our father." Moses then took the matter to the Lord who answered:
"The daughters of Zelophehad speak right: thou shalt surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father's brethren; and thou shalt cause his inheritance to pass unto them."
"And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a man die, and have no son, then ye shall cause his inheritance to pass unto his daughter."
Not only did the Lord grant that these women receive their father's inheritance, he instructed Moses to make a policy change that affected all of Israel.
Many LDS women have petitioned for various changes in the Church. My personal feelings on the specifics are mixed. I do not wish to make them the main subject of this post. However, one thing is for certain; the leaders of the Church do not ignore these petitions.
Recently, many faithful LDS women formed a movement called "Let Women Pray." It was a request to the leadership of the Church to invite women to pray in General Conference. In the most recent Conference, this request was granted, and two women were given the great honor of praying for the Church. So what does it mean that the leaders "gave in" to feminist requests? Does it mean that the General Authorities were wrong all this time about only allowing men to pray in Conference? In that same Conference, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave a talk that addressed this issue. He said:
"Brothers and sisters, this is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don't hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. ...
So be kind regarding human frailty--your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work."*
The Church has made several policy changes throughout the years, big and small. People have left the Church over changes like extending the priesthood to all worthy males, or in the design of the temple garment. How can we know what is doctrine, what is tradition, what can change and what will never change? Again, I believe Elder Holland's talk can help.
I believe it is important to try to get the spirit of discernment and to learn all we can. Most importantly, however, when we find ourselves struggling because of imperfections or unexpected changes in the Church, we need to hang on to what we do know. And if others have issues with a practice in the Church, we shouldn't be too hasty to assume they are wrong, because this church is still imperfect, and having a concern isn't the same as lacking faith.
We must find for ourselves what the fundamentals are--the things that will not change. Each son or daughter of God can build his or her testimony of the gospel line upon line, precept upon precept, holding tight to truths gained, and ever seeking for greater conviction about the truths that really matter.
These things I personally know, by the power of the Holy Ghost, to be unchanging: the nature of the Godhead, the importance and divine configuration of the family, the Restoration of the Church, the reality of the Atonement, and the fact that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father who will reward righteousness and our genuine efforts to find truth and be faithful despite our most difficult questions.
.
*"Lord, I Believe" Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng
images:
1. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_Daughters_of_Zelophehad.jpg
2. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bhutan_-_Flickr_-_babasteve_(86).jpg
.jpg){kind=link}
To My Grandfather
I wanted to see death,
but you left when I was out of the room.
Everyone came.
They looked into your face,
into your eyelids.
They said, "He looks so peaceful."
But you didn't look peaceful.
It wasn't you.
They felt your dead shoulders and said,
"He's finally relaxing."
But you weren't.
It was tissue dying.
They said
"I'm glad we could get here while he was still warm."
It was blood, cooling in the veins.
You were not warm.
You were not there.
My Most Faithful Friend
I have a friend. We spend a lot of time together. She is beautiful, stylish, and organized. She is clean and slender and healthy. She comes to visit every night after the kids go to bed, but that's not all.
She visits me when my husband and I are not getting along. She visits me when my kids have been extra demanding. She comes to call when the snow needs to be shoveled, when the dishes need to be washed, when the laundry needs to be folded, when the bills need to be paid and when the floor needs to be vacuumed. She comes when I am discouraged and stressed.
She rips my heart out and puts it on a stick. She is Guilt.
She places a boulder upon my back and perches atop it. I look like Atlas. She sits up there and crosses one leg over the other and yawns. She sits up there and reads my books, or laughs at lolcats on my laptop. When the day is over, she puts stones in my pillow and keeps vigil at my bedside with cold eyes until I pass from wakefulness to guilty dreams. She takes her purse and her slimming coat and leaves. She'll come back tomorrow. She always comes.
***
Nothing brings me more joy than being a wife and mother, and nothing brings me more guilt. My biggest weakness in these roles is probably keeping a clean house. Say the best housekeepers are a 10 and the worst are a 0, I usually feel I'm sitting at about a 3. The next worse is nutrition. I'm at about a 4 with that one, which wouldn't be so bad if my mother-in-law wasn't a solid 11. I love it when I go to the pediatrician and he asks if my daughter is getting fruits and vegetables every day and I'm not actually sure. Maybe next time I'll just lie, because I don't need someone to remind me that she should be getting lots of fruits and vegetables. I just need to suck less, and the doc can't help with that one.
Its not just my roles as wife and mother that bring me guilt. My personal life has plenty of that without involving my relationships. I forgot to pay the bills, I missed my work out again, I ate too much of this and I ate too much of that. I didn't read my scriptures and I procrastinated preparing my lesson. No aspect of my life is free of guilt. I fail to do what I ought, and I make mistakes everywhere. I make a lot of mistakes.
Lots of blog posts end with how the blogger came to terms with their feelings, some great call to action, or a sage conclusion about how we can change our lives, etc. I got nothing. Sometimes I feel guilty. Actually, all the time I feel guilty. Its hard. I guess its normal. Questions or comments welcome.
Image found at http://www.bradyworld.com/sketch/anndavis.htm
***
Its not just my roles as wife and mother that bring me guilt. My personal life has plenty of that without involving my relationships. I forgot to pay the bills, I missed my work out again, I ate too much of this and I ate too much of that. I didn't read my scriptures and I procrastinated preparing my lesson. No aspect of my life is free of guilt. I fail to do what I ought, and I make mistakes everywhere. I make a lot of mistakes.
Lots of blog posts end with how the blogger came to terms with their feelings, some great call to action, or a sage conclusion about how we can change our lives, etc. I got nothing. Sometimes I feel guilty. Actually, all the time I feel guilty. Its hard. I guess its normal. Questions or comments welcome.
Image found at http://www.bradyworld.com/sketch/anndavis.htm
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