My guilt is not about being a perfectionist. For me, guilt is not about seeing all the little things I do wrong and hating myself for it; it is about seeing the absolute disaster that is my life. It is about seeing everything I do as a failure. It is crippling. When I see my children, when I spend time with them, there is a cloud around them.
"You used your mean voice. You should be more patient. Too much screen time. Not enough vegetables. You don't help with homework. Not enough personal attention. You don't read to him enough. This behavior is your fault. You should love him more. You should want to be with her more. Why don't you want to play with her? Her hair's not combed. He's still not potty trained. You're not trying hard enough. He's not learning to clean up. She thinks you don't love her. This is your fault. This shouldn't be hard. You should be enjoying this. He needs you. You should help her. You should want to help her. You should be nicer to him. If you loved him you wouldn't talk to him that way. You're bad at this. You're neglecting your kids. You're abusing your kids. So-and-so would never treat her kids this way. What if your parents saw you? What if your in-laws saw you? You'll never be able to do any better. How could you treat such a sweet child that way? You are a morally depraved person and your children are suffering because of it. You're not good enough."
That cloud is panic inducing. I hide. I hide from my own children because it is overwhelming. I breathe in that cloud. It suffocates me, blinds me. "You're not good enough."
And it certainly isn't just about my children.
Driving down the road: "It's not good enough."
Folding laundry: "It's not good enough."
Putting my kids to bed: "It's not good enough."
Sitting in church: "It's not good enough."
Cleaning around the house: "It's not good enough."
Down time at work: "It's not good enough."
Cooking a meal: "It's not good enough."
Reading about current events: "It's not good enough."
Reading my scriptures: "It's not good enough."
Saying my prayers: "It's not good enough."
Lying down in bed because I'm so exhausted from the constant guilt: "You're not good enough."
Were any of you taught that you should never be satisfied? That you should always be working on a goal? That if you aren't moving forward you are sliding back? I was. And guess what? Now all I can hear in my head is: "It's not good enough."
Any problem I have, the automatic thought is "You're not trying hard enough." I just need to try harder. What I'm doing must not be enough. It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough.
It sucks the energy out of me, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and even physically. I get too tired to try anymore. It's never good enough.
My hope is that being aware of this problem will be the first step in healing it. Maybe somehow I can clear that guilt cloud around my children. Maybe somehow I will start hearing: "You're doing fine. It is enough."
Maybe it isn't about being "patient with yourself." That implies that you have to be patient until you ARE good enough. It implies that you are not good enough YET.
Maybe it is okay to be satisfied. Maybe it is okay to NOT have a goal sometimes. Maybe life doesn't have to be some struggle not to slide down into hell. Maybe love and contentment are better motivators than guilt.
