10 Things You Should Avoid Saying to Someone With a Chronic Illness

It seems that I am coming out of the closet so to speak. I have no problem admitting to some of my health problems, but I have not really admitted to the mild lethargy that is my constant companion, and the crushing fatigue and malaise that overcomes me on a regular basis. So by posting this list I'm kind of putting it out there. I struggle with depression and fatigue. I may even have *gasp* chronic fatigue.  From my experience and the experience of close loved ones, I have gleaned this list.

1. Can't you just push past it right now?

This is something I ask myself all the time. Sometimes I feel like if I'm needed I shouldn't be sick. Sometimes people imply that I shouldn't let illness get in the way of what needs to be done. This is not only ridiculous, it's unfair and hurtful. It only adds guilt, depression, and sometimes anger to the problem. Sometimes, no matter how badly you are needed, you can't be there. No matter how badly something needs to be done, you can't do it. You are literally physically incapable. Just because a person isn't  bleeding or cancerous does not mean they can control their illness.

2. Maybe if you did __________ you would feel better.

People who have health problems get solutions thrown at them left and right. Eat this, take that, do this, don't do that. When you suggest that someone should just do something differently, you are implying that

a) your idea is better than whatever they are trying at the time
b) they haven't tried it or even though of it, and
c) they have the energy and means to do it.

Generally, just assume that they have heard it all and are currently working on something that they hope will make them feel better. If you have a suggestion you really think they may not have thought of, ask if they have, instead of assuming that they haven't. This is respectful to their intelligence and their efforts.

3. Are you getting enough sleep? 

This relates to number 2, but I wanted to deal with it specifically. Chronic illness, even if it isn't chronic fatigue, just makes people tired. Even with eight or nine hours of sleep a person can be tired. All the time.

4. Maybe you need to read your scriptures and pray more, get a blessing, go to the temple, or do more service. 

Also relates to number 2 and is particularly hurtful. Fortunately, I haven't heard this one in a while, but I have heard it. Yes, being religiously active is good. It is always helpful to read your scriptures, attend church/the temple, pray sincerely, etc. However, we need to remember is that some of the most faithful people have bad health. It is hurtful to suggest that a person isn't doing enough, and even if they aren't, you don't know how much they are or are not trying. In any case, faithful religious practice does not always equal health. God does not always take away our trials in this life. Faith does not equal healing unless it is God's will to heal.

5. I wish I could fix it.

Even if you don't mean it, this phrase can sound like: "I wish I could fix you." This is one I know I am guilty of. In my heart I am saying two things:

1. "I wish I could make you feel better because I love you."
2. "I wish I could make you feel better so I didn't have to deal with it."

It can be an expression of love to say that you wish you could fix things, but be careful. Even if you aren't thinking about yourself, this can remind a person of the trouble they have caused (or feel they have caused) and feel guilty, especially if they are dealing with mental illness.

6. If you can do things you like, why can't you do hard stuff? Isn't that just being lazy?

This discounts all of the things a person has done that were not fun. It is like saying: "Since you're sick you can't ever do fun things." Just remember that all work and no play makes jack despair and give up on life.

7. You just have to be wise with how you spend your energy.

The problem with this solution is that it assumes there is more to be shaved off. It assumes that the person who is ill is spending energy on unnecessary things, when in reality they may not have the energy or health for even half of the necessary things. It also assumes that there isn't much to be lost by conserving energy. When you don't have a lot of energy, being wise with it means foregoing opportunities to make great memories, improve yourself, or serve loved ones.

8. Of course you don't feel great! You are a mom! (or a busy dad, or stressed about work, etc.)

I get this one a lot when I tell people I have been particularly tired lately.  I have to explain to them that it is more than just "mom tired." I have had two newborns. I know what regular, sleep deprived, hormonal mommy tired feels like. This is different. I have been a college student and I have moved several times. I know what busy, hectic tired feels like. This is different. I know what normal stress and anxiety is like, and I know what a normal low mood feels like. Anxiety and depression are different. Trust a person to know when something is wrong with his or her body. Don't dismiss it as "life."

9. How are you doing?

Okay, so obviously this one isn't really taboo, but when you ask it, you need to be sincere, and be prepared. Don't act uncomfortable if they give you the juicy details. Don't gush with sympathy if they are being matter of fact about their condition. You don't need to feel sorry for them, just listen. Don't try to fix it. Ask questions. Relate if you can. Just don't be afraid to talk about it. A person who can be comfortable listening and talking about health problems is very refreshing.

10. Nothing

It is so easy to just avoid someone because they are sick. We don't know how to handle it; we don't know how to talk to them. For this reason, it is very difficult for people dealing with chronic illness to make new friends. Please, give it a try. Don't just say nothing. People with chronic health problems are just people. Just talk about regular stuff. If you aren't sure how to broach the topic of their illness, just ask. Most people will appreciate the openness. You will never learn to relate to different people if you don't try. Even if you make some mistakes, you have to start somewhere. Besides, it may be easier than you think.

Also see my follow up post titled "10 Things You Can Do To Support Someone With a Chronic Illness"

What experience do you or loved ones have with chronic illness? Feel free to comment. I am new to this territory, and I welcome input on the subject!


Images found on Wikimedia commons under the following file names:
800px-Exhausted_and_Frustrated_Collapsing
Depressed_(4649749639)
Vastagh_Chatting

Are We Not All Fathers?

In 2001, an article was published in the LDS Ensign magazine titled "Are We Not All Mothers?" by Sheri L. Dew, then the second counselor in the General Relief Society Presidency and a brilliant, righteous, single woman. Today, I would like to turn that article on its head, and I believe Sister Dew would approve. Let me replace a couple words in a quote from the article:

"[Fatherhood] is more than [siring] children. It is the essence of who we are as [men.]"

It has often been stated that men have the priesthood and women have motherhood. Let me contest that by saying men and women have different and equal roles in the priesthood and in parenting. The mother's role is indeed divine and beautiful, but a father's role is equally important, divine, and beautiful. I believe that just as all women are innately mothers, so are all men innately fathers. As Eve was the mother of all living before she bore children, Adam was the father of all living before he sired children. 

I think that the pain of men who are unable to enjoy fatherhood is largely unaddressed in our culture. Perhaps because if a man is single it is always considered to be his fault (which it is often not.) It also seems that when a couple is unable to have children, the woman's pain always overshadows the pain of the men in the eyes of their friends. Or perhaps friends who are men do not address the pain because, well, it is too painful. 

Some of my dearest friends, family members, and mentors are men without children. They are like dear brothers, uncles, and fathers to me and my children. Recently I have become acquainted with a man about my father's age who has no children, and though I have only known him for a couple of weeks, he has become a great example and teacher to me, and I can say that I love and admire him. Even though I have my own wonderful father, and my children have their own wonderful father, to modify Sheri Dew again: "Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the [father] who [sired] us, and the [fathers] who bear with us." 

The doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints teaches that every righteous person who does not have the opportunity to have children in this life will have the opportunity in the next. This is usually applied to women, but it is equally applicable to men. Many men yearn to be fathers. It is a part of their nature as it is a part of women's natures.

On this Father's Day, I would like to honor those men. I cannot imagine the sorrow they feel, but I know that these men have made a real difference in my life. They have strengthened and led me, they have been examples to my brothers and friends, they have cared for my children and inspired me to be a better person. They are fathers, and I love them.

Please comment below and tell us your story!

Bringing Back Breastfeeding

Recently I shared something about breastfeeding in public on facebook. A dear friend of mine commented that he was always uncomfortable around open breastfeeding. He said he never got used to it when he spent time in the Hispanic culture, but that the women were considerate and covered themselves when he showed obvious signs of embarrassment. He lamented the lack of courtesy American women sometimes show. I agree with him in some ways, and disagree with him in others. 

 As a teenager, I met a wonderful Argentinian woman and was welcomed into her home. She had children and was proudly showing me her family photo album. I was shocked when she showed me one picture of her breastfeeding at a large gathering. She was smiling at the camera, her breast totally bare except where the baby was eating. She explained to me, in the best English she had, that this is not acceptable in the United States, but in Argentina, it is not a problem at all. No one even notices. Despite my initial shock, I knew at that moment that it was beautiful, and it has stuck with me all these years. 

 Women throughout the ages have breastfed out in the open without making  men uncomfortable, and it is only the oversexualization of the breast that has made it a problem now. Heck, even in church meetings women would breastfeed their babies without offending anyone. I'm not sure how we got to thinking breastfeeding is so inappropriate in public.  People just can't handle seeing a nipple. It has become too sexualized. I mostly blame porn. Pornography has turned a women's body into something that should be feared by decent people. It has turned the breast, especially the nipple, into something horrifying and dirty. Something that will turn a decent man into a defiled one just at the sight of it.

 Because of this, I do feel sorry for men when women throw their breasts out and feed their babies. Men and boys have been taught to turn away from the awful sight of the nipple. They have been taught that the breast is a sexual object, and if they see one they will certainly have terrible haunting thoughts about it. And they do! But only because they fight so hard NOT to think about it, because a mammary gland is such a terrible thing to think about. I want to say to my friend, I do not blame you. 

 I agree with my friend that women can be very inconsiderate, rude, and pushy on this topic. Women (and men for that matter) can be, as my friend put it "forceful and singular in [their] views." Women often throw their breasts out and simply will not show any sympathy for people who seem to be uncomfortable about it. I agree with their views on breastfeeding in public, I applaud them for standing up for themselves, but I don't agree with their methods.  

 The problem is that women are being bullied, but most people who do it don't know they are doing it. Many truly feel uncomfortable. I don't think that the best way for us to stand up for ourselves is to become bullheaded and rude. (Well, maybe a little bullheaded, but not rude.) We need to recognize that we are not the only victims in this crisis. However, we DO need to express ourselves. We need to be considerate, but we don't need to be told that our breasts are just unviewable and inappropriate. We do not need to accept the cultural norm that requires a woman to be isolated or a baby to be practically smothered in a cover while breastfeeding. We DO NOT. We need to spread the word and teach our children about breastfeeding. We need to breastfeed in public when we want to, but do little things that make it a little easier for people who feel uncomfortable. Remember that some of these men, boys, and even women,  really struggle to overcome the ingrained discomfort at a bared breast.

 Here are some suggestions

 1. Give a quick warning. They may not be paying attention. Let them know what is going to happen so they can leave or turn away if they know they will be uncomfortable. 
2. Turn away or use your free hand to cover the nipple when you are latching or releasing a latch. 
3.  Use your shirt or a small blanket or towel to cover the top of the breast. 
4. Watch for signs of embarrassment. Perhaps a candid conversation about why you choose to breastfeed in public, or why you choose not to cover up can help ease things. 

 These things usually do not impede breastfeeding, and would go a long way toward endearing people to our cause.  Be courteous, but if people are rude, stand up for yourself. Explain yourself. Don't be rude back, but don't let yourself be bullied. It simply isn't fair for people to expect a woman to always cover up while breastfeeding in the company of others. 

 Also, remember to teach your children that breastfeeding in public is okay, that a woman's breast is just a bottle for baby. If the next generation of breastfeeders can have it easier, we have done something good. 

 To those who are uncomfortable I would like to say this: 

  If you are uncomfortable, that is understandable. Perhaps some women should be more considerate.  But sometimes the people who need more consideration are the mother and child. The mother who is most likely exhausted, and the child who is hungry and can't understand that waiting 5 minutes does not mean starving to death. Sometimes the person who needs the consideration is the mother who hasn't had a chance for adult conversation in days, and the baby who feels hot and suffocated under a blanket. Sometimes we can think of the mother who may be weepy and hormonal and has to feed the baby 10 times a day and is tired of being alone in her room, or in a gross bathroom, or in any corner she can find because her baby won't keep the blanket on. Remember that it can be a real trial for a woman to cover up. Make an effort to see the breast as what it is at that time in a woman's life: a baby feeder.  Don't teach your children to fear the breast and breastfeeding. Don't shield their eyes from the wonderful thing that is happening when a mother gives nourishment to a helpless babe. 

 I hope to see a day when women can just plop out their baby feeders and satisfy their sweet babies without having to worry about offending someone, embarrassing someone, or enduring rude comments.  I hope to see that day soon, but I think if we push too hard, our opponents will only push back. If we want to bring breastfeeding back, we need to expect a little courtesy, and a give a little in return. 

Image found on the facebook page "The Other 98%" posted May 2, 2014  May or may not fit the mood of my post but it makes me laugh so hard I have to share it:

The Angel

And the angel said, "you aren't doing enough."
and he said "doesn't it hurt?
And I said "Why should it hurt when my blood is jelly
and my hope is wayward, and my salvation
is at the end of the road?"
And the doors were closed and the wheels were broken
and decayed and I sat upon the ground,
desolate.

And the angel came and offered  his hand. I didn't take it.
I didn't rise. I didn't crawl on my knees alongside him.
I asked him for a drink of water,
and he gave it to me.
I asked him to stay,
and he sat beside me.
He took my hand and bound it to his.
He took our hearts and bound them together.
And the dust blew and the hot sun beat down,
and the red sky looked down without mercy,
and we sat upon the ground,
desolate.

Why I Blog: Intro to Raw Poetics

Why do I blog?

1. Because although I am embarrassed about my poetry, I have to share it. I HAVE to. I can't help it.

2. Because I hope that somehow I can make a difference to someone. I have read blog articles that really made a difference in my life, and in this world of abundant useless information, I hope to produce something that inspires thought and change and brings people happiness.

3. Because I love graphs, and I can't help but watch my blog stats every time I post.

4. Because I love being able to talk about sensitive subjects. This blog is named "Raw Poetics" because I don't want to shy away from raw feelings and strong opinions.

5. Because I often find it difficult to express my opinions and feelings correctly in conversations.I get overexcited when speaking and things don't come out quite right. When I write, I find it easier to present logic and emotions in a way that pleases me.

6. Because blogging is a tool for connecting to new people I wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity to know.  It is different from other social media because it is like inviting people into my home instead of mingling with a crowd in a public place. It's not a party, it's an intimate get together! (points to those who catch that reference.)

7. Because I want to give others the chance to easily share their poetry and opinions. If you have poetry you want the world to see (especially if you wish to be anonymous) Please submit it! Check out the submissions tab on the home page. Please note that although the blog's subtitle specifies free form poetry, submissions do not have to be free form. That is just my personal preferred style. I admire all forms of poetry.

The Part of Me That Belongs to My Voice

The part of me that belongs to my voice,
She has been taken, starved and nearly naked, dragged through the woods.
Conquered and beaten,
Now tied to a post with her wrists above her head.
Week and weeping.

They whip her and she cries out.
She screams with my voice,
With her mouth open in anguish toward the skies.

Her eyes are full of bitterness when I meet them,
Her body young and pale.
I ask myself,
"Where are the brutes who did this?"
But we two are alone.
When I look down,
I find the whip in my own hands, and I am trembling.


Dear reader: I am interested to hear about your own issues with your hobbies in the comments. Your love hate relationships with them. Am I the only one whose pursuits can cause nearly as much pain as joy?

Being Ugly

  A few weeks ago there was a video going around called "Real Beauty Sketches" by the Dove Campaign. I'm sure many of you have seen it.  (if not you can check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk)  Basically they use a forensic artist to render women’s descriptions of themselves compared with the descriptions of others. In the end you see the two renderings. The self-described on the left, the other on the right. The ones on the left were always uglier than the ones on the right. At first, I loved it. It made me feel good. I posted it on facebook. Then I read a blog post called  "Why Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” Video Makes Me Uncomfortable… and Kind of Makes Me Angry"  It totally changed my mind. (Scroll to the bottom to see the link.)  There were two things the blogger said in her article that got me thinking the most.

      The first thing she said that caught me was: "there are real women who look like the women on the left. What are you saying about them, exactly?”  I had the same inkling of that thought when I first saw the video, but I didn't really think about it. So what if you really are ugly? Face it, we have a cultural standard of beauty, and some people just don’t meet it. 

    The other big thing the blogger pointed out was a quote from one of the women in the video. The woman said:   “I should be more grateful of my natural beauty.  It impacts the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, the way we treat our children, it impacts everything. It couldn't be more critical to your happiness.” 

    Is our “natural” beauty really that important?? This is something I struggle with. I look at women that don’t seem to need anything but a shower and a comb to look fresh, young, vibrant, and gorgeous. I compare myself to those women and feel less-than. Sure, I can look pretty good with some primping, but I lack “natural beauty.”  You may argue that everyone needs a little primping, but the fact remains, when we all wake up the morning, there are some differences.  Some of us look cute, and some of us look downright awful.

       As a religious person, I have always been taught that the Lord doesn't care what we look like. In 1 Samuel 16:7 the Lord tells Samuel:   "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."  

       If the Lord doesn't care about our outward appearance why do the prophets encourage us to look our best? Paul ask the Corinthians "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?" Our bodies are sacred temples, so we should care for them, but it doesn't matter if our temple is not as “beautiful” as another person’s. It is still a sacred gift and that in itself makes it beautiful.  

   I also believe that we are encouraged to look our best just because we are encouraged to be our best in general.  We all have physical traits we cannot control, but we do our best. We are encouraged to sing our best, but some people just don’t have good vocal chords or good ears for hearing pitch.  I'm sure it is very sad for some of them, but they don't look in the mirror every morning and feel terrible because they weren't physically blessed with a beautiful voice. We are encouraged to be physically healthy but some people, like me, are just terrible at sports. I don't look at myself in the mirror every day and sigh that I am just not as coordinated as other people.  Why do I look at myself in the mirror and sigh that I am just not as beautiful as a lot of other women?

       I think that physical beauty has been too important to me. For example, I am always wanting my husband to tell me I am beautiful. It is not a bad compliment, but is that the only compliment I need to hear? I have realized that although I love it when my husband tells me I am beautiful, my favorite compliment is, "You're so smart." Coming from my genius husband, that means a lot. There are so many quotes to the effect of "tell the woman you love that she is beautiful." But how many quotes do you see that encourage men to compliment women on things other than their looks? It's as if the only thing that matters is that she is beautiful, and if she doesn't feel beautiful, she feels worthless. I am done feeling that way. What defines me is not my physical characteristics, but my experiences, my likes and dislikes, my talents, my joys and sorrows, and the fact that I am a daughter of God. I am more than just a face. 

"Shrimp Girl" by William Hogarth

       I am done needing to feel beautiful. Don’t tell me I am more beautiful than I think because it doesn't matter.  I know what I look like, I know where I stand on the cultural beauty scale, and I don’t care that it’s not at the top. If I was hideous it wouldn't matter.  I have more important things to worry about. I know that the Lord loves me and doesn't care one bit how beautiful or ugly I am. I am here to do His work, not to be pretty. 

I am not a natural beauty.  My teeth are so crooked that even shy children ask me about them, my skin is unpredictable and dark under my eyes, my hair is mostly frizzy and dull, my head is shaped kind of funny, and I will never have a classic hourglass figure. But what does it matter? It doesn't.

"Why Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” Video Makes Me Uncomfortable… and Kind of Makes Me Angry"
http://jazzylittledrops.tumblr.com/post/48118645174/why-doves-real-beauty-sketches-video-makes-me


Also check out this video that seems completely irrelevant at first but turns out to be totally relevant. Its mostly for a laugh though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FVcrkP1X6Y


And  these completely relevant links: 
http://www.jaimemoorephotography.com/2013/05/09/not-just-a-girl/  

http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-05-03/news/ct-oped-0503-daum-20130503_1_dove-natural-beauty-friday-night-lights