In Which I Acknowledge a Gift

It has been with me since the moment I was conceived. God gave it to me. It is the reason I am alive. It is the reason I can be with my husband and children. It is the reason I can enjoy life. Without it I cannot be happy.

Yet I have been ashamed of it. I have spoken ill of it to my friends. I haven't given it what it needs to succeed. I have been angry with it when I didn't think it was good enough, and yet I knew it was doing the best it could.

It makes it possible for me to be with the one I love, but I blame it when I do not feel beautiful enough for him. It makes it possible for me to bring children into this world, but I blame it when the process is painful or uncomfortable. It makes it possible for me to raise my children--to kiss them, hug them, nurse them when they are ill, and laugh with them when they are happy, but I blame it when I am not able to do things the way I think I ought to.

Because of it I can see and hear. I can create and love. I can smell and taste and breath. I can serve and bless the ones I hold dear. I can cherish each touch from mother, father, sweetheart, and child. I can sing and dance and think and feel.

I realize now how wrong I was to hate it, to revile it and neglect it. It has served me every day of my life, and I have abused it. I have failed to see its beauty.  It has given me everything it could and I never thought it was enough. When it needed care I abandoned it and gave it things that only made it worse. I told it to get over it. I despised it for its weaknesses.

But it is alive, and I love it for that. I don't know how long it will be that way. I don't know how long it will be able to keep me here with the ones I love and help me do the work I need to do.  I will try to be more kind to it. I will thank God for it. I will try to care for it. I will try to love it and speak kindly of it, and be grateful every day that it is still here for me.

This post was inspired by a lovely post on essentialmums.co.nz called "Passing on Body Hatred." It was beautiful and nearly made me cry. Thank you to the author, Kasey Edwards, for helping me see my body for the beautiful thing it is, and how perfect it is just because it is alive. Here is the link:

 http://www.essentialmums.co.nz/mums-life/health/8757837/Passing-on-body-hatred

The image above was found on wikimedia commons under the file name love_and_happiness.jpg

10 Things You Can Do to Support Someone With a Chronic Illness

After I published my post titled "10 Things You Should Avoid Saying to Someone With a Chronic Illness" I got a request to write about things we should do for people with chronic illnesses. I really appreciated this suggestion because there are so many things you can do, and perhaps those are the things we should focus on. So here is my list:

1. Don't give up on friendship

The biggest problem faced by those with chronic illness is isolation.  It can be exhausting or overwhelming just to talk to people when you are dealing with an illness. If you call and don't get an answer, don't be offended. If they don't return your call, don't be offended! If they never seem to want to visit, don't be offended! They are not pushing you away!  Keep trying, again and again. The times that you get a chance to socialize may turn out to be some of the most precious experiences not just for them, but for you as well. I know from personal experience how hard it is to keep up a relationship with someone who is ill. I can attest that it is worth all the effort 10 times over.

2. Make reasonable accommodations

There are little things you can do to  make socializing easier for someone with a chronic illness. Arrange social gatherings in comfortable spaces. Many people with illnesses are sensitive to heat or cold, so keep that in mind.  Consider offering an easy exit or personal space. Be aware of dietary needs. Above all, ask them what their needs are and make an effort to accommodate them without making a big fuss. If you are not able to make accommodations, let them know that you regret not being able to. Just knowing you tried will show them you care and that you understand.

3. Respond appropriately

Just as you would with anyone else, reflect their emotions when they talk. If they are only being matter of fact about their health, you do not need to be upset or make a big deal of it. Often, people with an illness avoid talking about it because they are tired of people feeling sorry for them. If they are obviously upset, share their sorrow, but if they are just making conversation, make conversation back. Listen actively and ask questions. Don't make suggestions or try to fix it. Become comfortable talking about serious health issues.

3. Remember

Remember what is going on with their health and follow up. They will probably be surprised that anyone cares enough to keep track. This one can be tricky, but anything you remember will be appreciated. Remember other things about their life. Ask about kids, work, hobbies, the garden. Knowing you care enough to remember will make a big difference.

4. Be understanding

Don't be offended if they miss events, even important ones. They can't control their illness. Realize that it is hard for them to have to miss things. Pray for them. Take pictures to share with them later. Let them know that they were missed, and that you understand that it was difficult for them to miss out.

5. Accept the situation

Accept that your loved one is sick. Accept that they may never "get better." You may have to go through a mourning period. I have had to do it myself. Be aware that it can be difficult and take time. It is easier to deny the truth, to fight it with anger, to wear yourself out trying to make everything okay. Everyone has their struggles, and while the degrees may vary, suffering is universal. There is service you can give, but you cannot make it all better. Remember that while things are hard for them sometimes, there are good things in their life as well. When you accept the situation as it is, you can begin to see them as a real person, and not just a sob story.

6. Accept that it is not their fault

People with chronic illnesses are a manifestation of our fears. They are a reminder of the frailty of the human body and of our own vulnerability. Even the best people can be struck down by bad health, and we don't like to face that. So we make things up. We make up ways they must be at fault for their illness, because if they are at fault, then we can avoid the same fate by doing all the right things. Face your fears. Face the facts. Do not blame others for their illnesses because you can't stand to think that the same thing could happen to you.

7. Share your own troubles

Don't be so intimidated by their problems that you never share your own or ask for help. True friendship goes two ways, and if you never allow them to support you, you can never be a true friend. Most likely you will find that they are compassionate and empathetic, and it will bring them joy to bless your life. Even if there are some things they can't do, there are many things they can. Serve them, be their friend, and give them the opportunity to reciprocate. Remember that they love you and want to help. They aren't always up to talking or serving, but don't stop giving them the opportunity to do so.

8. Be realistic

Some people seem to have this idea that when someone is sick, they are so refined by their trials that they must be angelic. Or even worse, that if you already have to deal with someone's illness you shouldn't have to deal any other annoying idiosyncrasies.  People with chronic illnesses have character flaws just like everyone else. Be patient, and be forgiving. Remember that these character flaws may become pronounced during times of stress or particularly bad health, just as they are for everyone else.

9. See them for who they are

Even if chronic illness seems to take over their life, it does not define them.  Notice their good (and not so good) qualities. Are they funny? Are they wise? Are they no-nonsense? See them for their talents, their past, their future, their habits and hobbies.  See them for their worth and love them for who they are.

10. Be a friend

True friendship is a greater blessing than any physical service. Remember to ask about their life and tell them about yours. Talk about your favorite shows, your families, sports, games, books, religion, and interesting issues. Talk about shared interests. Talk about the good things in life. Talk about the sad things in life. Find fun things to do together that they can handle. Pray for them. Share your thoughts and feelings with them. Make sure they know you are there for them and then be there when they need you. When all is said and done, just allow yourself to enjoy them as a friend.

Also check out my friend's blog called Beyond the Bipolar, and her post entitled "When Hawaii's Not an Option-How to Help Someone Who is Struggling Emotionally."

http://beyondthebipolar.blogspot.com/2014/01/when-hawaiis-not-option-how-to-help.html

Images found on Wikimedia Commons under the following file names

800px-Old_friendship_!.JPG
800px-Laughing.jpg

10 Things You Should Avoid Saying to Someone With a Chronic Illness

It seems that I am coming out of the closet so to speak. I have no problem admitting to some of my health problems, but I have not really admitted to the mild lethargy that is my constant companion, and the crushing fatigue and malaise that overcomes me on a regular basis. So by posting this list I'm kind of putting it out there. I struggle with depression and fatigue. I may even have *gasp* chronic fatigue.  From my experience and the experience of close loved ones, I have gleaned this list.

1. Can't you just push past it right now?

This is something I ask myself all the time. Sometimes I feel like if I'm needed I shouldn't be sick. Sometimes people imply that I shouldn't let illness get in the way of what needs to be done. This is not only ridiculous, it's unfair and hurtful. It only adds guilt, depression, and sometimes anger to the problem. Sometimes, no matter how badly you are needed, you can't be there. No matter how badly something needs to be done, you can't do it. You are literally physically incapable. Just because a person isn't  bleeding or cancerous does not mean they can control their illness.

2. Maybe if you did __________ you would feel better.

People who have health problems get solutions thrown at them left and right. Eat this, take that, do this, don't do that. When you suggest that someone should just do something differently, you are implying that

a) your idea is better than whatever they are trying at the time
b) they haven't tried it or even though of it, and
c) they have the energy and means to do it.

Generally, just assume that they have heard it all and are currently working on something that they hope will make them feel better. If you have a suggestion you really think they may not have thought of, ask if they have, instead of assuming that they haven't. This is respectful to their intelligence and their efforts.

3. Are you getting enough sleep? 

This relates to number 2, but I wanted to deal with it specifically. Chronic illness, even if it isn't chronic fatigue, just makes people tired. Even with eight or nine hours of sleep a person can be tired. All the time.

4. Maybe you need to read your scriptures and pray more, get a blessing, go to the temple, or do more service. 

Also relates to number 2 and is particularly hurtful. Fortunately, I haven't heard this one in a while, but I have heard it. Yes, being religiously active is good. It is always helpful to read your scriptures, attend church/the temple, pray sincerely, etc. However, we need to remember is that some of the most faithful people have bad health. It is hurtful to suggest that a person isn't doing enough, and even if they aren't, you don't know how much they are or are not trying. In any case, faithful religious practice does not always equal health. God does not always take away our trials in this life. Faith does not equal healing unless it is God's will to heal.

5. I wish I could fix it.

Even if you don't mean it, this phrase can sound like: "I wish I could fix you." This is one I know I am guilty of. In my heart I am saying two things:

1. "I wish I could make you feel better because I love you."
2. "I wish I could make you feel better so I didn't have to deal with it."

It can be an expression of love to say that you wish you could fix things, but be careful. Even if you aren't thinking about yourself, this can remind a person of the trouble they have caused (or feel they have caused) and feel guilty, especially if they are dealing with mental illness.

6. If you can do things you like, why can't you do hard stuff? Isn't that just being lazy?

This discounts all of the things a person has done that were not fun. It is like saying: "Since you're sick you can't ever do fun things." Just remember that all work and no play makes jack despair and give up on life.

7. You just have to be wise with how you spend your energy.

The problem with this solution is that it assumes there is more to be shaved off. It assumes that the person who is ill is spending energy on unnecessary things, when in reality they may not have the energy or health for even half of the necessary things. It also assumes that there isn't much to be lost by conserving energy. When you don't have a lot of energy, being wise with it means foregoing opportunities to make great memories, improve yourself, or serve loved ones.

8. Of course you don't feel great! You are a mom! (or a busy dad, or stressed about work, etc.)

I get this one a lot when I tell people I have been particularly tired lately.  I have to explain to them that it is more than just "mom tired." I have had two newborns. I know what regular, sleep deprived, hormonal mommy tired feels like. This is different. I have been a college student and I have moved several times. I know what busy, hectic tired feels like. This is different. I know what normal stress and anxiety is like, and I know what a normal low mood feels like. Anxiety and depression are different. Trust a person to know when something is wrong with his or her body. Don't dismiss it as "life."

9. How are you doing?

Okay, so obviously this one isn't really taboo, but when you ask it, you need to be sincere, and be prepared. Don't act uncomfortable if they give you the juicy details. Don't gush with sympathy if they are being matter of fact about their condition. You don't need to feel sorry for them, just listen. Don't try to fix it. Ask questions. Relate if you can. Just don't be afraid to talk about it. A person who can be comfortable listening and talking about health problems is very refreshing.

10. Nothing

It is so easy to just avoid someone because they are sick. We don't know how to handle it; we don't know how to talk to them. For this reason, it is very difficult for people dealing with chronic illness to make new friends. Please, give it a try. Don't just say nothing. People with chronic health problems are just people. Just talk about regular stuff. If you aren't sure how to broach the topic of their illness, just ask. Most people will appreciate the openness. You will never learn to relate to different people if you don't try. Even if you make some mistakes, you have to start somewhere. Besides, it may be easier than you think.

Also see my follow up post titled "10 Things You Can Do To Support Someone With a Chronic Illness"

What experience do you or loved ones have with chronic illness? Feel free to comment. I am new to this territory, and I welcome input on the subject!


Images found on Wikimedia commons under the following file names:
800px-Exhausted_and_Frustrated_Collapsing
Depressed_(4649749639)
Vastagh_Chatting

Are We Not All Fathers?

In 2001, an article was published in the LDS Ensign magazine titled "Are We Not All Mothers?" by Sheri L. Dew, then the second counselor in the General Relief Society Presidency and a brilliant, righteous, single woman. Today, I would like to turn that article on its head, and I believe Sister Dew would approve. Let me replace a couple words in a quote from the article:

"[Fatherhood] is more than [siring] children. It is the essence of who we are as [men.]"

It has often been stated that men have the priesthood and women have motherhood. Let me contest that by saying men and women have different and equal roles in the priesthood and in parenting. The mother's role is indeed divine and beautiful, but a father's role is equally important, divine, and beautiful. I believe that just as all women are innately mothers, so are all men innately fathers. As Eve was the mother of all living before she bore children, Adam was the father of all living before he sired children. 

I think that the pain of men who are unable to enjoy fatherhood is largely unaddressed in our culture. Perhaps because if a man is single it is always considered to be his fault (which it is often not.) It also seems that when a couple is unable to have children, the woman's pain always overshadows the pain of the men in the eyes of their friends. Or perhaps friends who are men do not address the pain because, well, it is too painful. 

Some of my dearest friends, family members, and mentors are men without children. They are like dear brothers, uncles, and fathers to me and my children. Recently I have become acquainted with a man about my father's age who has no children, and though I have only known him for a couple of weeks, he has become a great example and teacher to me, and I can say that I love and admire him. Even though I have my own wonderful father, and my children have their own wonderful father, to modify Sheri Dew again: "Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the [father] who [sired] us, and the [fathers] who bear with us." 

The doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints teaches that every righteous person who does not have the opportunity to have children in this life will have the opportunity in the next. This is usually applied to women, but it is equally applicable to men. Many men yearn to be fathers. It is a part of their nature as it is a part of women's natures.

On this Father's Day, I would like to honor those men. I cannot imagine the sorrow they feel, but I know that these men have made a real difference in my life. They have strengthened and led me, they have been examples to my brothers and friends, they have cared for my children and inspired me to be a better person. They are fathers, and I love them.

Please comment below and tell us your story!

Bringing Back Breastfeeding

Recently I shared something about breastfeeding in public on facebook. A dear friend of mine commented that he was always uncomfortable around open breastfeeding. He said he never got used to it when he spent time in the Hispanic culture, but that the women were considerate and covered themselves when he showed obvious signs of embarrassment. He lamented the lack of courtesy American women sometimes show. I agree with him in some ways, and disagree with him in others. 

 As a teenager, I met a wonderful Argentinian woman and was welcomed into her home. She had children and was proudly showing me her family photo album. I was shocked when she showed me one picture of her breastfeeding at a large gathering. She was smiling at the camera, her breast totally bare except where the baby was eating. She explained to me, in the best English she had, that this is not acceptable in the United States, but in Argentina, it is not a problem at all. No one even notices. Despite my initial shock, I knew at that moment that it was beautiful, and it has stuck with me all these years. 

 Women throughout the ages have breastfed out in the open without making  men uncomfortable, and it is only the oversexualization of the breast that has made it a problem now. Heck, even in church meetings women would breastfeed their babies without offending anyone. I'm not sure how we got to thinking breastfeeding is so inappropriate in public.  People just can't handle seeing a nipple. It has become too sexualized. I mostly blame porn. Pornography has turned a women's body into something that should be feared by decent people. It has turned the breast, especially the nipple, into something horrifying and dirty. Something that will turn a decent man into a defiled one just at the sight of it.

 Because of this, I do feel sorry for men when women throw their breasts out and feed their babies. Men and boys have been taught to turn away from the awful sight of the nipple. They have been taught that the breast is a sexual object, and if they see one they will certainly have terrible haunting thoughts about it. And they do! But only because they fight so hard NOT to think about it, because a mammary gland is such a terrible thing to think about. I want to say to my friend, I do not blame you. 

 I agree with my friend that women can be very inconsiderate, rude, and pushy on this topic. Women (and men for that matter) can be, as my friend put it "forceful and singular in [their] views." Women often throw their breasts out and simply will not show any sympathy for people who seem to be uncomfortable about it. I agree with their views on breastfeeding in public, I applaud them for standing up for themselves, but I don't agree with their methods.  

 The problem is that women are being bullied, but most people who do it don't know they are doing it. Many truly feel uncomfortable. I don't think that the best way for us to stand up for ourselves is to become bullheaded and rude. (Well, maybe a little bullheaded, but not rude.) We need to recognize that we are not the only victims in this crisis. However, we DO need to express ourselves. We need to be considerate, but we don't need to be told that our breasts are just unviewable and inappropriate. We do not need to accept the cultural norm that requires a woman to be isolated or a baby to be practically smothered in a cover while breastfeeding. We DO NOT. We need to spread the word and teach our children about breastfeeding. We need to breastfeed in public when we want to, but do little things that make it a little easier for people who feel uncomfortable. Remember that some of these men, boys, and even women,  really struggle to overcome the ingrained discomfort at a bared breast.

 Here are some suggestions

 1. Give a quick warning. They may not be paying attention. Let them know what is going to happen so they can leave or turn away if they know they will be uncomfortable. 
2. Turn away or use your free hand to cover the nipple when you are latching or releasing a latch. 
3.  Use your shirt or a small blanket or towel to cover the top of the breast. 
4. Watch for signs of embarrassment. Perhaps a candid conversation about why you choose to breastfeed in public, or why you choose not to cover up can help ease things. 

 These things usually do not impede breastfeeding, and would go a long way toward endearing people to our cause.  Be courteous, but if people are rude, stand up for yourself. Explain yourself. Don't be rude back, but don't let yourself be bullied. It simply isn't fair for people to expect a woman to always cover up while breastfeeding in the company of others. 

 Also, remember to teach your children that breastfeeding in public is okay, that a woman's breast is just a bottle for baby. If the next generation of breastfeeders can have it easier, we have done something good. 

 To those who are uncomfortable I would like to say this: 

  If you are uncomfortable, that is understandable. Perhaps some women should be more considerate.  But sometimes the people who need more consideration are the mother and child. The mother who is most likely exhausted, and the child who is hungry and can't understand that waiting 5 minutes does not mean starving to death. Sometimes the person who needs the consideration is the mother who hasn't had a chance for adult conversation in days, and the baby who feels hot and suffocated under a blanket. Sometimes we can think of the mother who may be weepy and hormonal and has to feed the baby 10 times a day and is tired of being alone in her room, or in a gross bathroom, or in any corner she can find because her baby won't keep the blanket on. Remember that it can be a real trial for a woman to cover up. Make an effort to see the breast as what it is at that time in a woman's life: a baby feeder.  Don't teach your children to fear the breast and breastfeeding. Don't shield their eyes from the wonderful thing that is happening when a mother gives nourishment to a helpless babe. 

 I hope to see a day when women can just plop out their baby feeders and satisfy their sweet babies without having to worry about offending someone, embarrassing someone, or enduring rude comments.  I hope to see that day soon, but I think if we push too hard, our opponents will only push back. If we want to bring breastfeeding back, we need to expect a little courtesy, and a give a little in return. 

Image found on the facebook page "The Other 98%" posted May 2, 2014  May or may not fit the mood of my post but it makes me laugh so hard I have to share it:

The Angel

And the angel said, "you aren't doing enough."
and he said "doesn't it hurt?
And I said "Why should it hurt when my blood is jelly
and my hope is wayward, and my salvation
is at the end of the road?"
And the doors were closed and the wheels were broken
and decayed and I sat upon the ground,
desolate.

And the angel came and offered  his hand. I didn't take it.
I didn't rise. I didn't crawl on my knees alongside him.
I asked him for a drink of water,
and he gave it to me.
I asked him to stay,
and he sat beside me.
He took my hand and bound it to his.
He took our hearts and bound them together.
And the dust blew and the hot sun beat down,
and the red sky looked down without mercy,
and we sat upon the ground,
desolate.

Why I Blog: Intro to Raw Poetics

Why do I blog?

1. Because although I am embarrassed about my poetry, I have to share it. I HAVE to. I can't help it.

2. Because I hope that somehow I can make a difference to someone. I have read blog articles that really made a difference in my life, and in this world of abundant useless information, I hope to produce something that inspires thought and change and brings people happiness.

3. Because I love graphs, and I can't help but watch my blog stats every time I post.

4. Because I love being able to talk about sensitive subjects. This blog is named "Raw Poetics" because I don't want to shy away from raw feelings and strong opinions.

5. Because I often find it difficult to express my opinions and feelings correctly in conversations.I get overexcited when speaking and things don't come out quite right. When I write, I find it easier to present logic and emotions in a way that pleases me.

6. Because blogging is a tool for connecting to new people I wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity to know.  It is different from other social media because it is like inviting people into my home instead of mingling with a crowd in a public place. It's not a party, it's an intimate get together! (points to those who catch that reference.)

7. Because I want to give others the chance to easily share their poetry and opinions. If you have poetry you want the world to see (especially if you wish to be anonymous) Please submit it! Check out the submissions tab on the home page. Please note that although the blog's subtitle specifies free form poetry, submissions do not have to be free form. That is just my personal preferred style. I admire all forms of poetry.