After I published my post titled "10 Things You Should Avoid Saying to Someone With a Chronic Illness" I got a request to write about things we should do for people with chronic illnesses. I really appreciated this suggestion because there are so many things you can do, and perhaps those are the things we should focus on. So here is my list:
1. Don't give up on friendship
The biggest problem faced by those with chronic illness is isolation. It can be exhausting or overwhelming just to talk to people when you are dealing with an illness. If you call and don't get an answer, don't be offended. If they don't return your call, don't be offended! If they never seem to want to visit, don't be offended! They are not pushing you away! Keep trying, again and again. The times that you get a chance to socialize may turn out to be some of the most precious experiences not just for them, but for you as well. I know from personal experience how hard it is to keep up a relationship with someone who is ill. I can attest that it is worth all the effort 10 times over.
2. Make reasonable accommodations
There are little things you can do to make socializing easier for someone with a chronic illness. Arrange social gatherings in comfortable spaces. Many people with illnesses are sensitive to heat or cold, so keep that in mind. Consider offering an easy exit or personal space. Be aware of dietary needs. Above all, ask them what their needs are and make an effort to accommodate them without making a big fuss. If you are not able to make accommodations, let them know that you regret not being able to. Just knowing you tried will show them you care and that you understand.
3. Respond appropriately
Just as you would with anyone else, reflect their emotions when they talk. If they are only being matter of fact about their health, you do not need to be upset or make a big deal of it. Often, people with an illness avoid talking about it because they are tired of people feeling sorry for them. If they are obviously upset, share their sorrow, but if they are just making conversation, make conversation back. Listen actively and ask questions. Don't make suggestions or try to fix it. Become comfortable talking about serious health issues.
3. Remember
Remember what is going on with their health and follow up. They will probably be surprised that anyone cares enough to keep track. This one can be tricky, but anything you remember will be appreciated. Remember other things about their life. Ask about kids, work, hobbies, the garden. Knowing you care enough to remember will make a big difference.
4. Be understanding
Don't be offended if they miss events, even important ones. They can't control their illness. Realize that it is hard for them to have to miss things. Pray for them. Take pictures to share with them later. Let them know that they were missed, and that you understand that it was difficult for them to miss out.
5. Accept the situation
Accept that your loved one is sick. Accept that they may never "get better." You may have to go through a mourning period. I have had to do it myself. Be aware that it can be difficult and take time. It is easier to deny the truth, to fight it with anger, to wear yourself out trying to make everything okay. Everyone has their struggles, and while the degrees may vary, suffering is universal. There is service you can give, but you cannot make it all better. Remember that while things are hard for them sometimes, there are good things in their life as well. When you accept the situation as it is, you can begin to see them as a real person, and not just a sob story.
6. Accept that it is not their fault
People with chronic illnesses are a manifestation of our fears. They are a reminder of the frailty of the human body and of our own vulnerability. Even the best people can be struck down by bad health, and we don't like to face that. So we make things up. We make up ways they must be at fault for their illness, because if they are at fault, then we can avoid the same fate by doing all the right things. Face your fears. Face the facts. Do not blame others for their illnesses because you can't stand to think that the same thing could happen to you.
7. Share your own troubles
Don't be so intimidated by their problems that you never share your own or ask for help. True friendship goes two ways, and if you never allow them to support you, you can never be a true friend. Most likely you will find that they are compassionate and empathetic, and it will bring them joy to bless your life. Even if there are some things they can't do, there are many things they can. Serve them, be their friend, and give them the opportunity to reciprocate. Remember that they love you and want to help. They aren't always up to talking or serving, but don't stop giving them the opportunity to do so.
8. Be realistic
Some people seem to have this idea that when someone is sick, they are so refined by their trials that they must be angelic. Or even worse, that if you already have to deal with someone's illness you shouldn't have to deal any other annoying idiosyncrasies. People with chronic illnesses have character flaws just like everyone else. Be patient, and be forgiving. Remember that these character flaws may become pronounced during times of stress or particularly bad health, just as they are for everyone else.
9. See them for who they are
Even if chronic illness seems to take over their life, it does not define them. Notice their good (and not so good) qualities. Are they funny? Are they wise? Are they no-nonsense? See them for their talents, their past, their future, their habits and hobbies. See them for their worth and love them for who they are.
10. Be a friend
True friendship is a greater blessing than any physical service. Remember to ask about their life and tell them about yours. Talk about your favorite shows, your families, sports, games, books, religion, and interesting issues. Talk about shared interests. Talk about the good things in life. Talk about the sad things in life. Find fun things to do together that they can handle. Pray for them. Share your thoughts and feelings with them. Make sure they know you are there for them and then be there when they need you. When all is said and done, just allow yourself to enjoy them as a friend.
Also check out my friend's blog called Beyond the Bipolar, and her post entitled "When Hawaii's Not an Option-How to Help Someone Who is Struggling Emotionally."
http://beyondthebipolar.blogspot.com/2014/01/when-hawaiis-not-option-how-to-help.html
Images found on Wikimedia Commons under the following file names
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