10 Things You Should Avoid Saying to Someone With a Chronic Illness

It seems that I am coming out of the closet so to speak. I have no problem admitting to some of my health problems, but I have not really admitted to the mild lethargy that is my constant companion, and the crushing fatigue and malaise that overcomes me on a regular basis. So by posting this list I'm kind of putting it out there. I struggle with depression and fatigue. I may even have *gasp* chronic fatigue.  From my experience and the experience of close loved ones, I have gleaned this list.

1. Can't you just push past it right now?

This is something I ask myself all the time. Sometimes I feel like if I'm needed I shouldn't be sick. Sometimes people imply that I shouldn't let illness get in the way of what needs to be done. This is not only ridiculous, it's unfair and hurtful. It only adds guilt, depression, and sometimes anger to the problem. Sometimes, no matter how badly you are needed, you can't be there. No matter how badly something needs to be done, you can't do it. You are literally physically incapable. Just because a person isn't  bleeding or cancerous does not mean they can control their illness.

2. Maybe if you did __________ you would feel better.

People who have health problems get solutions thrown at them left and right. Eat this, take that, do this, don't do that. When you suggest that someone should just do something differently, you are implying that

a) your idea is better than whatever they are trying at the time
b) they haven't tried it or even though of it, and
c) they have the energy and means to do it.

Generally, just assume that they have heard it all and are currently working on something that they hope will make them feel better. If you have a suggestion you really think they may not have thought of, ask if they have, instead of assuming that they haven't. This is respectful to their intelligence and their efforts.

3. Are you getting enough sleep? 

This relates to number 2, but I wanted to deal with it specifically. Chronic illness, even if it isn't chronic fatigue, just makes people tired. Even with eight or nine hours of sleep a person can be tired. All the time.

4. Maybe you need to read your scriptures and pray more, get a blessing, go to the temple, or do more service. 

Also relates to number 2 and is particularly hurtful. Fortunately, I haven't heard this one in a while, but I have heard it. Yes, being religiously active is good. It is always helpful to read your scriptures, attend church/the temple, pray sincerely, etc. However, we need to remember is that some of the most faithful people have bad health. It is hurtful to suggest that a person isn't doing enough, and even if they aren't, you don't know how much they are or are not trying. In any case, faithful religious practice does not always equal health. God does not always take away our trials in this life. Faith does not equal healing unless it is God's will to heal.

5. I wish I could fix it.

Even if you don't mean it, this phrase can sound like: "I wish I could fix you." This is one I know I am guilty of. In my heart I am saying two things:

1. "I wish I could make you feel better because I love you."
2. "I wish I could make you feel better so I didn't have to deal with it."

It can be an expression of love to say that you wish you could fix things, but be careful. Even if you aren't thinking about yourself, this can remind a person of the trouble they have caused (or feel they have caused) and feel guilty, especially if they are dealing with mental illness.

6. If you can do things you like, why can't you do hard stuff? Isn't that just being lazy?

This discounts all of the things a person has done that were not fun. It is like saying: "Since you're sick you can't ever do fun things." Just remember that all work and no play makes jack despair and give up on life.

7. You just have to be wise with how you spend your energy.

The problem with this solution is that it assumes there is more to be shaved off. It assumes that the person who is ill is spending energy on unnecessary things, when in reality they may not have the energy or health for even half of the necessary things. It also assumes that there isn't much to be lost by conserving energy. When you don't have a lot of energy, being wise with it means foregoing opportunities to make great memories, improve yourself, or serve loved ones.

8. Of course you don't feel great! You are a mom! (or a busy dad, or stressed about work, etc.)

I get this one a lot when I tell people I have been particularly tired lately.  I have to explain to them that it is more than just "mom tired." I have had two newborns. I know what regular, sleep deprived, hormonal mommy tired feels like. This is different. I have been a college student and I have moved several times. I know what busy, hectic tired feels like. This is different. I know what normal stress and anxiety is like, and I know what a normal low mood feels like. Anxiety and depression are different. Trust a person to know when something is wrong with his or her body. Don't dismiss it as "life."

9. How are you doing?

Okay, so obviously this one isn't really taboo, but when you ask it, you need to be sincere, and be prepared. Don't act uncomfortable if they give you the juicy details. Don't gush with sympathy if they are being matter of fact about their condition. You don't need to feel sorry for them, just listen. Don't try to fix it. Ask questions. Relate if you can. Just don't be afraid to talk about it. A person who can be comfortable listening and talking about health problems is very refreshing.

10. Nothing

It is so easy to just avoid someone because they are sick. We don't know how to handle it; we don't know how to talk to them. For this reason, it is very difficult for people dealing with chronic illness to make new friends. Please, give it a try. Don't just say nothing. People with chronic health problems are just people. Just talk about regular stuff. If you aren't sure how to broach the topic of their illness, just ask. Most people will appreciate the openness. You will never learn to relate to different people if you don't try. Even if you make some mistakes, you have to start somewhere. Besides, it may be easier than you think.

Also see my follow up post titled "10 Things You Can Do To Support Someone With a Chronic Illness"

What experience do you or loved ones have with chronic illness? Feel free to comment. I am new to this territory, and I welcome input on the subject!


Images found on Wikimedia commons under the following file names:
800px-Exhausted_and_Frustrated_Collapsing
Depressed_(4649749639)
Vastagh_Chatting